Why Grungy Pastor?

One of the stranger things about being a pastor is that sometimes your members choose to insult you. I know that seems odd, as it is a church and we are called to speak well of our neighbors. There is an entitlement that also comes with some parishioners, especially in a congregation with a long history. As pastor, you will always be an outsider to these members and a threat of sorts, especially in an unhealthy congregation.

One member, in one of the congregations I served, had this sense of entitlement and felt they could say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I am using the word, “they” not as a gender indicator, but to hide an identity. This member often insulted me. The member knew I was Native American, for example, and often talked about “dirty Indians” and their casino money while in my presence. The member felt I was in the wrong because I wouldn’t allow the return of a minstrel show and kept wanting to show me videos of previous ones (yes, really). The member got really upset with me at a dinner, where the public was being served, when I noticed they were putting food that had been placed on tables and partially eaten, back into the pot to serve again. These were not only racist acts, but unhealthy ones, yet with that sense of entitlement, I was the one who was deemed to be in the wrong.

After a council meeting, this parishioner was steaming when a vote didn’t go their way. As the member started yelling at me, they looked at me, looked at the flannel shirt I was wearing over my cleric to stay warm, and shouted out, “You’re just a grungy pastor!” Now, I don’t think they were referring to the grungy era, but rather they were insulting how I looked and dressed. Statements about dress happen more to female clergy, by far, but in this case it was directed at me. I paused and kind of chuckled, reminding the person that they were insulting me and asked if that is what they intended? The person answered in the affirmative and continued to insult me.

A Cross done in purple plaid with the words Grungy Pastor across it

While I was upset at being insulted yet again by this member, I decided to wear this insult as a badge of honor and it became a moniker of sorts for me. I mean I do wear plaid, hoodies, and Doc Martens often, so why not?

This is why I named my coaching practice after this moniker. What do we do with insults hurled at us by members? What do we do when a member intentionally tries to hurt us? It is a reminder, for me, that not all ministry sites are pretty. In fact, I can’t name one that didn’t have some messes and big messes at that, where I came out of them or the congregation came out of them changed. It is similar to when Jacob wrestles with God, sometimes we come out of places with a limp and a new name.

Congregations can be messy or grungy. People can be all over the place in congregations as well and some are not nice and can be actually pretty mean. As pastors, we must work with all personalities and all people. Not everyone is going to like us. I learned this lesson in my first year of ministry and it was quite a shock as I never had someone really dislike me because of what I represented.

This is where coaching can be helpful. Coaching can help us separate the position, ie being a pastor, from the person. It can help create strategies for mean people. Coaching can help ground our sense of self, so we don’t react in a way that we don’t mean to or will regret later.

When the member called me a grungy pastor, I wanted to yell back, but instead took a beat and reminded the person they were being insulting to me and got them to admit that was their goal. Others heard this exchange at the time, so it showed that I wasn’t being the instigator, but the member was and the intent was to be hurtful. While this particular member continued to be hurtful, others witnessed their behavior and started to call them on it and I didn’t have to do it every time. It empowered the congregation to call the person to change. I can thank coaching for helping me at the time.

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